The other day I FB’ed this:

‘Any lengths to get “sober.”

Whatever your “sober” is, do it. Join me. Any length.

Freedom is worth it.

Just before I threw this onto the interwebs I’d been reading about a 4-day retreat geared towards adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.  It’s a retreat I’ve been considering for over 8 months but would frankly rather poke out my own two eyeballs than attend.  It’s a retreat my therapist had brought up ad nauseum.

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The website addresses the cost -a whopping $2k for four days of round-the-clock treatment- by giving a myriad of suggestions as how to finance an endeavor of this sort.  The suggestion list begins with “any length to get sober.” Or something like that.  Sobriety at any cost.  You get the point.

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The thought behind this reminded me of mine & Dave’s stance over the years of our marriage towards counseling (or medical concerns in general): if one of both of us needed to go, we’d make it happen regardless of cost or sacrifices needed to be made.  It’s a profoundly middle-class American privilege, which I have benefitted from tremendously.  No matter what, seek healing.  No matter what, see a professional.  No matter what, get meds.  No matter what, take meds.  No matter what, abandon denial for the sake of freedom.

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Sobriety at any cost.  I’m not an alcoholic.  Never been interested in drinking any old way, but like most sex abuse survivors I have my vices-of-catastrophic-significance.  I read something somewhere about the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse happening pre-puberty or post-puberty.  The viability of the pre-puberty survivors is much lower, the costs much higher, the behavioral risks much more significant.  My abuse ended at 10 or 11, years before puberty kicked in for little Gracie Green.

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Sometimes, I see myself in these stories and I know I have survived. I have fared ONE THOUSAND TIMES better than some of these women, my God, it is awful.  And other times, I know I am juuuuuuuust barely surviving this.  This.  This thing that happened over 27 years ago.

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Reading those words, “any lengths to get sober,” was an appropriately sobering reminder to see my vices for exactly what they are: symptoms.  Issues.  Consequences.  Choices.  Whatever I want to call them is fine if I’m willing to face them.  As long as I’m not calling them, “happening to me,” insurmountable odds,” “that-which-makes-me-unacceptable.”

So. I am going to go to the retreat.  I am going to spend an obnoxious $2,000 to -Lord willing- kick start a new level of healing.  Supposedly, the 4-day -isolated- retreat is the equivalent of 8-12 months of intensive therapy.  Sounds like a real riot, eh?

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In the words of Will Hunting: Let’s let the healing begin!

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The retreat is next month.  I’ll likely throw up a post in which I BEG & PLEAD ask for prayers of grace & mercy.   So. I’m going to the doggone retreat.  I gotta go see about a girl…

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…me.

////

This post has been brought to you by #31Days & one of my favorite movies of all time: Good Will Hunting.

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  • http://www.carolhiestand.com/ Carol Longenecker Hiestand

    I applaud you. Courageous.. will be praying for you.

  • mongupp

    Yes praying for you, sister. I’ve never seen Good Will Hunting!

  • Erica

    Proud that you are taking the necessary steps toward healing. Praying for you!!!

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