I’ve been thinking about this idea of bravery for the past few days.  It’s interesting isn’t it, that you can be very, very brave in one minute and in the next minute inhale the deepest breath of fear you’ve ever had.  My emotions, regrets, longings for healing, epic battles they are all woven together like an intricate blanket.  They are simultaneous.

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I tried to explain this last night to someone as I talked through making a mistake of gargantuan proportions.  How could I possibly nail down a singular motive?  How could I possibly articulate to someone I’ve hurt that one moment I fought to be brave and the next I allowed selfishness to reign supreme?  You try to explain this and the more your bumble and jumble for words the more naked you realize you are.

My friend Rena & I were discussing Brene Brown’s quote in her book Daring Greatly“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”  I’ve been VERY vulnerable in the past few days.  Things have been tough, so I’ve let folks into my messy truth.  I have a group of 10 close friends who’ve been on a private email list for the last 2 years called my “Aaronites,” based on Aaron who upheld the arms of Moses.  This little group has loved, supported & prayed me through my darkest hours.  When I’m 100% honest with my Aaronites I feel awash with a vulnerability hangover.  Naked. I am scared. I could vomit.  To them, perhaps it feels like courage, it reads like truth.  To me, it feels like HORROR & reads like a frackin’ Lifetime movie.

But Be Brave!, Brene’ Brown keeps telling us everywhere her name pops up.  I began sharing my fears about writing vulnerably in these last 6 months mostly because it does affect me.  What I thought was a ‘lil harmless blogging won’t hurt.  No. No. No. It is actually terrifying.  When I articulated this again on Twitter the other day, many of you told me, (as you always do you wonderful-people-you) to keep sharing my vulnerable truths, recognizing the power and depth of authentic vulnerability.  How novel.

When I read this frightening level of vulnerability from blogging friend, Alise I went into terror mode for her. I.E. Dear God, please don’t let anyone be mean to her so help me!  At once, I judged her, got over it, had compassion on her, loved her, judged myself, had compassion on myself, loved me.  I felt that complex interwoven conundrum I spoke of earlier…the simultaneous emotions that makes me feel my emotional complexities are too much for my own good.

Where I landed though?  Love.  Love for both us.  I read her vulnerability as both truth and courage and damn, I respect her for sharing that.  And what in God’s name can I judge her for as if I’m sinless and able to cast the first stone?  Jesus himself was actually sinless and not only did he NOT cast the first stone (as he very well could have) but he encouraged health & wholeness, acceptance & grace.  So do I.

I was tempted to close up shop here (again, I know, I know).  I’m fearful to become fakey-fakerson or more vulnerable than needed.  I have made some epic mistakes.  I don’t know how I will get through this time.  How could I possibly PARTICIPATE IN A HOBBY? In Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own voice everyone say, “there’s no hobbying in crisis time! There’s no hobbying in crisis!”  But what if I just shared what I’m going through without any details?  Is it even possible for Grace Biskie to restrain in that way, y’all?  We’ll see, eh?  Truthfully, I don’t want any of us to miss out on good things that can come from writing vulnerably naked.

Yes, it scares some people.  Some people say, “scale back, Playa, scale back,” but I haven’t regretted one single thing I’ve ever put out there (outside a few unfortunate sentences &  the early bad writing).

In that way, I own my journey, I own my choices and I own the words I’ve chosen to articulate them.

I’m not going to let my poor choices, the ways others have hurt me, trauma, pain, life’s lemons or any other thing keep me from doing something life giving for me: communicating with others.  No, not even when I’m at my lowest low.  Now, I may let those things keep from working out or resisting eating my 6th cookie, but for today’s complex moment I’m choosing vulnerability with a dash of courage on the side.  And I am naked like the woman caught in adultery.

Jesus is not afraid of that.

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  • Megan

    “Jesus is not afraid of that.” Amen. Thanks for writing.

    • https://gracesandra.com/ Grace Biskie

      Your welcome, Megan! Thanks for being here!

  • Carol Vinson

    Yes, what Megan said! “Jesus is not afraid of that.” No matter how ugly or messy or naked we feel, He can handle it. He’ll stoop down in the sand and write for us…

    Keep being vulnerable – it gives us the courage to speak our own truths.

    • https://gracesandra.com/ Grace Biskie

      Amen, thank you, Carol. Jesus can handle it. He can & he will.

    • Jillie

      Amen to Megan AND Carol! Jesus has the broadest shoulders of all, and promises not to cast us out when we get messy and naked. Sometimes, He is the only one we can go to with our junk. And sometimes, He kindly provides us with Aaronites to hold us up along the way. I think I could use some Aaronites, myself.

      Keep being the honest voice, Grace. I love you.

      Jillie

  • http://www.alise-write.com Alise Wright

    Simultaneous emotions – yes, that, exactly. It is crazy how that works, and yet, there you have it.

    Thank you for your compassionate love. It means so much to me.

    • https://gracesandra.com/ Grace Biskie

      It’s an honor, Alise. Really. We all need it so desperately.

  • Andrea Cumbo

    So much I know this, Grace. And so much, I cling to the One who knows every cranny and loves every bit. Thank you.

    • https://gracesandra.com/ Grace Biskie

      He knows every nook and cranny and loves it. yes.

  • http://anitamathias.com/ Anita Mathias

    Yeah, I just haven’t sorted out that vulnerability online thing. In person, it’s really important so that people are loving (or hating) and helping or advising the real you–but online? Why expose yourself to the criticism of random strangers?

    Alise W. had to do it if she was doing to go on writing with any honesty…, but in normal circumstances?

    If there is any helpful lesson to be learned from my failures and weakness, I do share them, but I don’t use the internet as a confessional, or randomly share weaknesses. Brene Brown does specify in Daring Greatly that vulnerability should be done in a context of relationship. I guess I am quite sensitive to criticism, and I have seen people be so mean to prominent bloggers (Jen Hatmaker, Worst Missionary, Momastery) that I tend to be confessional only if there’s some useful purpose to gained for myself (In self-understanding) or for the reader through it.

    Sorry just thinking aloud, musing and rambling about the pros and cons of being naked online. (Have to say doing therapy online is hugely therapeutic though, and I am a different, stronger person because of my 3.5 years of blogging!)

  • http://catherineannehawkins.com/ Catherine

    I really appreciate this because as a blogger, it’s something I am constantly figuring out for myself. My brother said recently that he feels like there isn’t enough “meat,” but I’m afraid to put it in because of people I love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.

  • http://aladyinfrance.com/ Lady Jennie

    Hello dear Grace. Do you remember meeting me at BlogHer? :-) I found you again because I was google searching where to advertise my Christian memoir (it’s out on Amazon – yay!) and there your page popped up.

    So, dear Grace. Where are you with your memoir? I would like to see the Lord’s redeemed tell her story. :-)

    Hugs

  • Michelle