I am losing something.

It’s dying.

It’s not someone but it is something very important me.  It’s something that I love very deeply and it’s going away.

I’ve cried.

In the midst of this loss, something else –with great value to me– has been fighting for it’s life too.

I’ve been crying about that too.

In fact, there is very little I don’t cry about it: YouTube video’s, commercials, small dead animals on the side of the road.

I’m an equal opportunity cry-er, nowadays.  A big, fat cry baby is all I am.

My emotions have been all. over. the. place.  I haven’t put up the balloons and made the mix tape but basically my pity party has come.  I’ve been up at night crying, journaling, worrying, unable to sleep because I’m in this almost-dead-but-not-dead-yet state of loss.

So. I have cursed God.  Yelled (mostly in my head), swore, threatened, sulked. Like an obnoxious, angry, strung out teenager I have been mad at God like he reigned down fire on me or something.  I’ve been complaining like it aint nobody’s business and if I were God I would have smitten me by now.  For reals.

This isn’t my usual posture.  I’ve loved and lost a good number of times in these last 16 years since following Jesus, but very rarely have I turned on God, blamed God, yelled at God, cursed God.  I’ve had better responses.  Yet, I wonder if this time is an indication of a deeper trust in God I didn’t even know exists in my heart: that sense of trust so profound I know I can tell him to screw himself and He still won’t leave me.   And I did say that, and He didn’t leave me.

It’s kind of like my little Rhysie.  He treats me the worst of ANYONE in his life.  I get the attitude, the kicks, swats, bites and tantrums 10 x’s as much as his peers, his brother or his Daddy.  Rhysie has my heart.  He knows with certainty in his tiny 2 yr. old brain that Mama loves him and won’t leave him.  He tests me.

I test God.

While I have vacillated between a piss-poor attitude and wildly inappropriate anger outbursts at God I been acting a lot like Job’s wife who counseled her husband to curse God when he lost his livelihood, his home and ALL HIS CHILDREN.  But Job wouldn’t.  And here I am cursing God, and I have lost one thing.

Just one thing.

Oh Lord, forgive me.  I know not what I do or even who I am.

When we are tempted to focus on our loss, we could all stand to be a little bit more like Job.  He focused on what he still had: God and his wife, albeit his cranky wife who —it’s good to remember— lost ALL her children in one day as well.  There’s plenty of grace for the suffering.

My oh my, how things can change so quickly.  Last night I was lying wide awake from 3am – 6am telling God my woeful sorrows when I realized some things.

I realized that in the last three days I have…

…been randomly given 2 free tickets to see Men in Black 3D at a local IMAX theatre. (which I go see tonight)!

…won a blog giveaway for a fun activity set I can gift to R1.

…won another blog giveaway for a book I REALLY wanted but felt like I couldn’t afford to splurge on.

…been offered an opportunity to write & BE PUBLISHED for an anthology of which it is a tremendous honor to be considered for.

…booked my first real client as I plan to pursue life coaching, mentoring and consulting as part of a new career path.

…added a paid sponsor to my blog.

…got a big hug from R2 as he excitedly said “I WUV you, Mama,” and I didn’t even need to tell him to say it first!

A level of suffering has become my new normal.  Yet, it makes the aforementioned list bring a fresh wave of gratitude.  They are ordinary things, but they are God’s graces to me.  They represent something to me…these “little” things that God knows I think about.

I am humbled.

Humbled down to my bones.

So humbled I wish someone would smack me across my face, stuff me in a box and ship me off to the middle of the ocean where I’d die of hypothermia, severe anxiety and hunger.

I totally deserve that.

But, God is not like that.  Instead he offers me all of this!  (Even better than my list).

::::Deep Sigh::::

I am His daughter.

His deeply loved daughter.

Do you ever have allow yourself to be angry at God: to get honest and real with yourself and God?   

 

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  • Stephanie Chang

    A discipline that I have tried in years past when I can’t sleep because I’m upset about something is repeating the phrase “Thank You God for _________” and i’ll fill in the blank. I’ll keep praying this when I’m in bed until I have run out of things to thank Him for (which hopefully will never happen) or I fall asleep. I find that it eases my mind, and also helps puts things in perspective. While I’m thanking God for His many blessings, it also reminds me of the big and little things He does.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts Grace! :)

    • https://gracesandra.com Grace

      Stephanie, yeah that is totally an effective way of dealing with pity parties…I think some times my attitude and thought are so bad, I can’t even approach the idea of starting the thankful process…that’s when I get a little worried about myself…when perspective is so far off from being had. But cultivating generosity is something I’ve been working on, and as you can tell from this post, I have a lot to be thankful for, I just don’t always see it. God is so gracious! Thanks so much for commenting! =)

  • Sara

    A wonderful Beth Moore study I did focused on Isaiah 61. I thought of 61:3 when I read your post today and also the e-mail I received:

    . . . to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

    My prayer is that God will continue to do this for you!

    • https://gracesandra.com Grace

      Sara, you know that is the passage God gave me last Feb right? It’s the one that helped me to continuously choose God, and of course gave me hope and a desire to keep pushing on. This is a wonderful prayer, thank you! He really has given me beauty for my ashes in many ways all ready. love you!

  • http://snakesonablog.blogspot.se/ Laura

    I know its the oldest saying in the book but…. what ever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

    Good luck getting though your hard time.

    • https://gracesandra.com Grace

      Thanks, so much Laura. It’s true! (guess I’m getting stronger by the minute, eh?)

  • Emily Woodhouse

    Amen

    • https://gracesandra.com Grace

      Yes, Amen! =)

  • http://just-thauna.com Thauna

    I wish that I could say that I’m not familiar with that feeling of loss and sorrow. BUT I am. Very familiar. That hurt that hurts so much you’re sure other people can see the hole that is going through your heart or your gut. I’ll say a prayer for you too and send you good thoughts. The gratitude list is awesome. It’s so wonderful to see little blessings when you are hurting and know that He still loves you and is still sending you some good stuff. Gratitude is the one that that ALWAYS working for me…but some times it’s hard to get in that mindset to be grateful. Gratitude has actually changed my life. I think you are awesome. I love that you can share and be real honest about your faith and your pain. the bad and the good. Just keep praising and thanking and this too shall pass. (sometimes I have to repeat that over and over….this too shall pass)

  • https://gracesandra.com Grace

    Thauna, thank you for giving me a gold star for awesome. Right back atcha kiddo! =) I’m so sorry about how hard things are for you as well…life is a 1-2 punch, eh? It’s just a lot harder than I ever thought it could be! I will pray for you as well…actually I just did last night! =)

    • http://just-thauna.com Thauna

      Thanks for the prayers!!! I truly appreciate you!

      • https://gracesandra.com Grace

        Your welcome, T! thank you, I appreciate you as well!!!!! I’m so glad FC “introduced” us. =)

  • Stephanie

    I absolutely appreciate your honesty. I feel like that often, even very recent, and being around some Christians sometimes make you feel like a heathen if you have anger or frustrations about the things of God. I’m trying to be more honest w/my feeling with God because no reason to be unreal w/Him. He knows all things and knows when I’m hurt, angry, upset, frustrated, and confused. And through the haze of all these emotions he shows Himself clear to me and loves me still.

    • https://gracesandra.com Grace

      Thank you, Stephanie! I feel that EXACT way a ton! I actually think it motivates me to be honest b/c I seriously get irritated when Christians only share their joys or the ways that they are doing everything perfectly or experiencing the highs of life…I just don’t really want to be around people who haven’t really embraced suffering, disappointment or hardship in some way. Sometimes I feel a little mean about that, but I can’t handle it…maybe a new area I need to learn to have grace?? =) Anyway, yes I have really come to learn in new ways this year that God is beyond gracious with our fluctuating emotions and inability to play nice. =) Thanks for commenting!

  • duckfluffgiggles

    Grace…your blog was so raw…I’ve screamed, coerced, been pissed at, & quickly asked for forgiveness with God…I’ve never met anyone else who expressed that they’ve felt the same way. I know it’s dangerous & blasphemous to have such outbursts at God, although I quickly repent. But you’ve given me insight into how real you can be with God. I’m just so tired of the plastic smiles on Sunday. I want real. I want to be real. Thank you, Grace, so much. I laughed out loud for the sheer joy of someone else feeling the same way. Thanks for everything.

  • Savannah Williamson

    I do that all the time. I have no reverence or respect for God. I am always telling God what’s wrong with his universe and tons of other things. I try to control it but I always blow up at him. I’m scared

    • https://gracesandra.com Grace

      blowing up at God is still a form of prayer…aND betTer than not talking to God at all. Thanks for commenting, Savannah!

  • Confused and Angry

    I did the same thing. I am very upset at God and feel he doesnt care about me and lets bad things happen. He has taken away my brother, gave me an evil ex who is trying to take my daughter and going to court all the time to get her back and i am broke, moved my bes tfriend far away,
    injured me and not better but L&I is gong to run out, left me jobless, mom had stroke, dad also in hospital bleeding cripples and bad, boyfriend broke up with me cuz of stress. All of this with the exception of brother has happened in the last bunch of months. I feel like Job and I broke down today and cursed and swore and yelled and said horrible things to God because I can’t take it and he keeps pileing it on. I feel he hates me for whatever sins I have done before.
    I am confused for I was a follower but now I dont know how to feel and now I feel he will surely hate me because i went on a hour rampage of how much he sucks to me (and those r light words).
    Any advice? I just feel he hates me for he has really packed it on this year and cant take it anymore and i want him to stop with the horrible things..I pray and prayfor help and only get more horrible things. I guess God can hate someone right?

  • angel

    Hi…
    I read this blog on cursing God and I do it too…
    I consider myself a strong Christian…but have unresolved anger and impatience issues with God…
    I lash out in my head…in prayer…wherever…I would have hurt me by now too…if I was God but He sees deeper and knows where it stems from…Thank God for that…
    Don’t worry… He loves us…3 months ago I would not have said this to you but now I know…He loves us…all more than we do ourselves…As each day comes HE softens us with His love…and never ending mercy…
    Don’t worry HE never turns us away…and I have cursed Him to his face out loud many times…only to break down crying that I could do that and not be struck down as I was in my human relationships…One day the heart will be convinced and we won’t feel the rage anymore…in the meantime…He is softening and subtling the heart and soul and working out the knots in our fibers and making us putty in His hand…and freeing our mind from this rigid rule oriented world…

  • HonestlySpeaking

    All i ever wanted from God was for him to give me a wife and family that i Don’t have, especially when he has Blessed so many others with that gift.

  • Di

    I cursed God out so bad one day in my anger. I feel like he won’t forgive me. I’m sad. I mean, I even called him horrible names!!