Do you ever go back in time ala journals? I have several which I have advised my husband to promptly take to the backyard and burn upon my death.

As I’ve been tediously working on my memoir, I’ve dusted a few old journals off to peruse for memories and material.

Reading over my high school journals has been a lesson in humility.  What drama queens!  What sordid affairs!  Everything is (like) so important, and every boy is (like) “the one!”

While, it’s been downright embarressing to re-read these -literal- tear-stained pages, I have also had to crack up at myself and the intensity with which every relationship brought.

And here now, in all my high school glory is the sordid tale of a boy who hurt my feelings: set to poetry of course!

(I am hoping the title won’t offend you.  You must remember I was in high school.  A wee 15 year old searching for a voice, not to mention dying to be popular & cool!

Swearing and using the reclaimed \”n\” word to talk badly of mean boys was (like) ALL the rage for young African-American girls in my hood).

*As an FYI, as-of-late I choose to NOT use the reclaimed “N” word for general use as I find that my African-American friends from across the US have differing beliefs about the wisdom of blacks retaking such a demeaning word.  So, now I only use it with my super-hood, Detroit hoodies in context, in private.  Back in high school though?  Every. Other. Word.*

(And if your wondering if I would describe myself as a “super-hood Detroit hoodie,”  ummm, yeah)!

**And now that I’ve gone into so much more explanation than I intended to, maybe I’ll write another post later about the use of the reclaimed “n” word by African-Americans.  And about why I don’t think white people can EVER SAY IT. EVER.

EVER.

Not even if your singing Kanye Wests’ Goldigger.  Not even then.

(You know what? I AM going to do a post about this soon)!

Okay, back to my “poetry…”

Sorry Ass Nigga

You “never meant to?
You “didn’t mean me no harm?
You “value me?
You “just thought?…
What makes you think?
Why don’t you think?
You meant it.
You mean harm.
You gave me no value
Now I’m gone

“I’m sorry? this
“I’m sorry? that
You are sorry
You need to think.
Think about what you say.
Who is it
that told you to act on each urge?

You don’t know the ears,
the eyes,
the heart of the one you “meant no harm.?
You don’t know.
You don’t know
what I hear.
“I want(ed) you,
but now I don’t?.
“I didn’t mean it?
“I meant you no harm?
“I just thought?…
“I’m sorry? this,
“I’m sorry? that.

You meant it.
You wanted it.
You felt it.
But you didn’t know
it would harm
Steal value
Steal hope
Steal freedom
Steal hard-fought-for declarations
You meant no harm
But harm is done
Now I’m gone.

Don’t look back.
While you urge
I get value,
hope,
freedom
from someone else.
A worthy man.
A man who thinks.
A man who means no harm,
does no harm.

You are not a man
not a friend.
Not worthy
of me.
Are you sorry?
Prove it
to someone else.
I’m gone.

(Can’t you just see me sitting on my bed, alone in my room, weeping while listening to Brian McKnight’s “One Last Cry,” writing a sad, sappy poem about a mean boy?)

It’s just hilarious.

High school, oh high school you were such a riot,

**And while were on the subject of high school, DON’T FORGET to leave me a comment on this post for a chance to win an autographed CD from either Adele, Taylor Swift, Keri Noble, Jack Johnson or Corine Bailey Rae!

Give me your best guess at who I attended high school with & how many in our graduating class.  I’ll select a winner using random.org. So comment away! =)

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  • http://www.iwitnessmusic.com Brandon Truelove

    WOW! I can relate soooooo much to this one! I had some bitter journal entries as well.

    • Grace

      Yep, it’s definetly relatable!

  • Phil B-D

    Oh, this is a GREAT post…thanks for putting your soul out there, my dear sistah.

    • Grace

      Thank you, PBD! That really means a lot to me coming from you! =)

  • Meshell

    I had to laugh at you instructing Dave to burn your journals upon your death. HAHHA (remind me to instruct Stephen to do the same). HAHHAH Cecilia and I were just talking about journals yesterday! About how you feel so ridiculous and overdramatic when you go back and read them. But, I think that’s because that’s where you go to vent and get everything out so you don’t spill out all over everyone. I actually like your poem. It screams of a young woman who knows she has worth although her current environment (or people in her environment) aren’t displaying it. Okay, my guesses are, you attended highschool with Keri Noble and your graduating class was crazy small. Like 12 people or something.

  • Petter Kerizareth

    Hey, i truly enjoyed this poem. however i advise you not to carry on such a grudge because you are only hurting yourself. This poem has made me want to apologize to all the girls i’ve treated so poorly. But what you got to understand is that we are not sorry ass nigga’s. there should be a term that you could use to fully express what you were meaning. I too was one of those guys, it wasn’t untill my first semester at college that i decided to go for a change, because i realized that higher education deserves a higher way of thinking and behaving. Since i came to that conclusion i am now trying to do all i can to become an activist and be a voice for black people, especially women and children. I loved your poem, dont get me wrong, i just think that you should have ( thought) of a better term for that expression.

    Petter L. Kerizareth

    • Grace

      Petter, I hear ya boo. I wrote it in high school & that was how I felt. Now, I don’t call nobody a sorry ass nigga….I’m grown up now! =) I’m so glad you are considering how to be a positive voice.